The Beat – June 12, 2009

Because my brother is not a pig. He’s just a glutton with a flu!

Not really. I don’t have a brother. But we did have a pet pig once and she was gynormous! I remember playing with her when I was around 6 years old – the time when I thought that playing with pigs isn’t that bad at all. Of course all good things come to an abrupt end, and not long after our discovered connection, she was bought and taken somewhere far. Perhaps to a faraway town where she was the star of the fiesta, only to end up in bellies with other animal friends such as Bingbing Kambing the goat (turned Kaldereta; she had a nice goatee by the way) and Maria o’Sawa the python (they seem to love exotic foods). At least she didn’t die of swine flu. That makes her luckier than some of us right now.

Why? Because WHO (World Health Organization, for long) has declared swine flu as an official pandemic. What used to be classified as a Phase 5 disease is now up to Phase 6. For dummies, Phase 6 is the highest alert level the WHO can give. And yes, you’re next in line. See you when you get there, if you ever get there (I’m talking of heaven of course).

Just kidding, there’s no need to panic. It seems like they have taken full control of the situation (like they always do when they want to make believe). Remember that panic kills, so if you don’t want to die from something like Swine Stampede, you better behave and leave everything to the experts. Although you’re better off leaving it all to a divine being, apparently, a virgin sacrifice has to be made. These days however, you might have a bigger chance of winning the lottery than finding one. Good luck!

Tests results also say that while the virus strain seems to be as persistent as ever, it still looks like a kiddy naval mine designed by some geek who had trouble with colors. Also, when asked if they (the viruses) were already part of the posse named the Ninja Turtles, scientists got a straight “NO”. Good! That means they’re not mutating just yet. That also means they’re not getting deadlier as of now.  And most of all, we should be thankful they’re not human turtles yet. We’re running out of old-world artist names. Should we name the next ninja turtle Shakespeare?

While there are already 77 confirmed cases of swine flu in the Philippines (as of yesterday, June 11), Filipinos need not panic. And while nobody died from it just yet in the country, it is also believed that the said disease will only target a certain group of pigs found in a place called the House of Representatives. How convenient.

Stay healthy everyone!